Laleh this is so poignant and the first piece of yours I've read. I could leave pages and pages about how deeply this struck a cord, the bit about the intentional psychological violence, the bit about alienation, the bit about never quite fitting in, the bit about developing an american accent just to still be annoyed when americans are surprised at how deeply their culture has become entrenched elsewhere ... I'm nearing a decade of living in the US and every year I become more and more alienated, more and more steadfast in wanting to leave. I tell americans that I came here for opportunity because there was no opportunity back home in Armenia and Iraq for me, but this year I've finally (embarrassingly) internalised the fact that there's no opportunity back home *in order for* this empire to flourish. It's fucked and none of this is fair.
I'm so happy and sad it resonates! It's a terrible catch-22, I find. To come here and achieve material safety and opportunity but give up so much emotional and spiritual safety.
"I said that we were sitting in a bookstore discussing science fiction in the capital of the US empire while the US was air-striking Yemen for resisting the Israeli genocide of Palestinians, so it made sense to me why a similar thing might be happening in the book." <--may I share this to my War class? We've been talking about precisely this. Thank you for the whole essay, for being the person I know who ties together Fanon and Arkady Martine in a way that resonates with what's happening right now, for your stark candor. I loved your book reviews, but it was your itch to write Muhajir slipping through that made them extraordinary.
Thank you so much for writing this thoughtful and intimate piece. Everything in this resonated so much with me, as both a writer and reader of color who feels so deeply works that emphasize the violence of empire (even when fiction!), as well as an immigrant who, despite having built another life in the US, still feels "othered" at any and all times. It's a relief to find that I'm not the only one experiencing these feelings, even entertaining the idea of leaving (which ofc is unrealistic for many of us, for a number of reasons). But as your piece also notes, finding community and sparks of joy—even borne out of rage—can be a saving grace and I've found it has helped me personally. I look forward to reading more of you 💕
I apologize for missing this. Thanks so much for reading, Natasha. I am happy and sad that this resonated for you. You are most certainly not alone, and I wish I could remember more often that I'm not, either.
Loved this piece so much, thank you for sharing yourself with us! Fanon's assertion that "human beings need to be recognized" really struck a cord with me, will definitely read Black Skins, White Masks, so thank you for that too.
I’m pleased you didn’t stay silent in that book club! A very considered essay this was very good and moving. The first essay since the rebrand is just so excellent - exactly why you rebranded to create the space for these essays and it compliments the rebrand so well. The rebrand was just such a great move I’m proud. 10/10 Laleh I can’t wait to see what you are going to write in the coming months.
Aw thank you Martha!! I think it’s good to speak up but sometimes I just create a Situation without any resolution u know? So it’s hard to gauge when to do it
I think it’s human nature to want to avoid creating a scenario where there’s no direct resolution bc who wants to be uncomfortable! But it’s good to challenge that when there is conversation going around that needs to be challenged. It is so hard to gauge but I’m sure you handled it well x
Absolutely! Also… it’s often quite selfish. I’m not going to go back to my book club after this back & forth, and sometimes stay silent so that I can have more spaces I enjoy without being reminded that I’m not wholly welcome.
This got me -- read it over a couple times for full impact. You strike such a skillful balance between your heart and your study, really beautifully written and assembled.
Literally cried myself to sleep last night for feeling like I don’t belong here or anywhere either for that matter.
As someone whose country was also overthrown by the British colonials who took away our identity and freedom and gave us theirs, I resonate with this so much❤️❤️
Laleh this is so beautifully written and poignant, thank you for sharing. I always count myself lucky to be able to read your writing
Hannah the feeling is so mutual!
Laleh this is so poignant and the first piece of yours I've read. I could leave pages and pages about how deeply this struck a cord, the bit about the intentional psychological violence, the bit about alienation, the bit about never quite fitting in, the bit about developing an american accent just to still be annoyed when americans are surprised at how deeply their culture has become entrenched elsewhere ... I'm nearing a decade of living in the US and every year I become more and more alienated, more and more steadfast in wanting to leave. I tell americans that I came here for opportunity because there was no opportunity back home in Armenia and Iraq for me, but this year I've finally (embarrassingly) internalised the fact that there's no opportunity back home *in order for* this empire to flourish. It's fucked and none of this is fair.
I'm so happy and sad it resonates! It's a terrible catch-22, I find. To come here and achieve material safety and opportunity but give up so much emotional and spiritual safety.
"I said that we were sitting in a bookstore discussing science fiction in the capital of the US empire while the US was air-striking Yemen for resisting the Israeli genocide of Palestinians, so it made sense to me why a similar thing might be happening in the book." <--may I share this to my War class? We've been talking about precisely this. Thank you for the whole essay, for being the person I know who ties together Fanon and Arkady Martine in a way that resonates with what's happening right now, for your stark candor. I loved your book reviews, but it was your itch to write Muhajir slipping through that made them extraordinary.
I would be so flattered if you shared it with your class! And thank you- that’s why I love sci-fi 🥰
Thank you so much for writing this thoughtful and intimate piece. Everything in this resonated so much with me, as both a writer and reader of color who feels so deeply works that emphasize the violence of empire (even when fiction!), as well as an immigrant who, despite having built another life in the US, still feels "othered" at any and all times. It's a relief to find that I'm not the only one experiencing these feelings, even entertaining the idea of leaving (which ofc is unrealistic for many of us, for a number of reasons). But as your piece also notes, finding community and sparks of joy—even borne out of rage—can be a saving grace and I've found it has helped me personally. I look forward to reading more of you 💕
I apologize for missing this. Thanks so much for reading, Natasha. I am happy and sad that this resonated for you. You are most certainly not alone, and I wish I could remember more often that I'm not, either.
Loved this piece so much, thank you for sharing yourself with us! Fanon's assertion that "human beings need to be recognized" really struck a cord with me, will definitely read Black Skins, White Masks, so thank you for that too.
thank you for reading! yes, very much recommend Fanon. a lot of his writing has been putting names to feelings I didn’t know I had
I’m pleased you didn’t stay silent in that book club! A very considered essay this was very good and moving. The first essay since the rebrand is just so excellent - exactly why you rebranded to create the space for these essays and it compliments the rebrand so well. The rebrand was just such a great move I’m proud. 10/10 Laleh I can’t wait to see what you are going to write in the coming months.
Aw thank you Martha!! I think it’s good to speak up but sometimes I just create a Situation without any resolution u know? So it’s hard to gauge when to do it
I think it’s human nature to want to avoid creating a scenario where there’s no direct resolution bc who wants to be uncomfortable! But it’s good to challenge that when there is conversation going around that needs to be challenged. It is so hard to gauge but I’m sure you handled it well x
Absolutely! Also… it’s often quite selfish. I’m not going to go back to my book club after this back & forth, and sometimes stay silent so that I can have more spaces I enjoy without being reminded that I’m not wholly welcome.
This got me -- read it over a couple times for full impact. You strike such a skillful balance between your heart and your study, really beautifully written and assembled.
this is such high praise!! thank you 💖
Literally cried myself to sleep last night for feeling like I don’t belong here or anywhere either for that matter.
As someone whose country was also overthrown by the British colonials who took away our identity and freedom and gave us theirs, I resonate with this so much❤️❤️
Aw Angel I'm so sorry. I'm glad you enjoyed reading, sending love.